Saturday, February 4, 2012

I know this much is true.............

Life is hard. At times it seems to get harder.

We really have no control of our lives. We think we do. I thought I did. We never really believe that anything bad will happen to us. We have the world in our hands and we are invincible. Bad things do happen, to good and bad people.

I beat the odds so far......If I had fallen into mans world of statistics and listened to well meaning advice from everyone I would not be writing this entry today. Had I followed what was suggested to me numerous times by numerous people my life would probly be as follows.....

I would be seeing a shrink, taking meds to band-aid my grief and Bud and I would be divorced. Or......Bud and I would maybe still be married and living in Florida because we adopted a little boy from Russia!
Really......Thats how ridiculous gossip can be at times.


I have learned alot about people through this whole awful experience of having lost Jessi because of cancer. My life stopped on June 26, 2010. The perfect life we thought we had control of stopped. I try so hard to explain to people what this grief feels like. It's really hard to explain the unexplainable. It has been just over 1 year but yet if feels like I just held Jessi yesterday. I miss her terribly. I can't even put that into words properly.

I am so not the person I used to be.......I was strong, confident, caring, considerate of others and so sure of myself. I was still that person during her treatment but after November 25th I lost the old me too.
I will be the first to admit that at times I have not been a very nice person. Many times. And still am at times. I guess if you are one of the people I havent been nice to and your reading this I'm sorry. I basically just shut down and shut everyone out. Your brain goes into self preservation mode. The mixture of feelings becomes overwhelming. Its even overwhelming for me at this moment to try and express my feelings. Regardless of what anyone says suffering the loss of a child is the worst. I'm not asking for special treatment either. I guess I just got to the point that it was just too exhausting to listen to all the advice. So along came Anger and Bitterness. Those are the hardest feelings to avoid. They still linger today. I try everyday to work through so many thoughts in my mind. I have given up trying to explain myself to everyone. There are people that have been in my life since I was born that have chosen not to be there for me. Some just can't deal with it because it's just too much for them to handle. This really is the Big One. No body really wants to confront a Mom that lost a child. No one knows what to say. Gee not like I have a choice in the matter. I HAVE to deal with this.

I just want to say that my friend Christina recently said something to me that totally enlightened things for me. Christina is Ava's mom and Ava had cancer too. She was only 4...just a few days prior to her 5th birthday her body just couldnt do it anymore.....Ava loved purple and Jessi would save her purple ice pops for her.....we have some good memories of the girls hanging out at each others hospital room doors.

In a recent convo with Christina she said "I wish people would realize that Grief is not a Mental Illness"
WOW!!!!!!!! A simple but true statement.

So to sum it up.......Im not Mentally Ill......I miss my girl Jessi....I will till the day I die...I wont ever be the person I was.....I am making it through each day.....It is very hard....I hurt for all the kids still fighting.....I hurt for my (Jessi) missing link......I hurt for all the things we wont be doing together......How do you just move on from that......I know the anwser to that! You don't....You take it with you everyday everywhere you go......FOREVER!