Tonite was another one of those nites that sleep seems to not be my friend. As I laid in bed staring at the ceiling thoughts of unforeseen events that transpired today just flooded my brain. I quit fighting and decided to just journal it.
Hebrews Chapter 13
2. Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.
3 Remember them that are in bonds, as bound with them; and them which suffer adversity, as being yourselves also in the body.
I have arrived safely at today. I don't know where tomorrow will take me. My old life was pretty simple and for the most part planned on a daily basis. A pretty, well....normal life. Normal is not part of my vocabulary anymore. Change is inevitable but my particular change is not the kind you just adapt to very easily. If ever. It is a strange feeling to not have a purpose and to lack any motivation to do anything. This day was no different. I got up and my big task for the day was to clean and wipe down all the ceilings in our house. Just trying to keep busy and figured that it was ok to do spring cleaning in the late fall. I know my life probly sounds relatively boring. It is..........
The unexpected part of my day happened around 5 pm. Another sharp turn off the roadway of life. I didn't recognize the number immediately as I answered my cell....The call was from a case manager needing an emergency placement of 2 siblings for the night. About 30 minutes later they arrived at our house. I will just say when I first saw them my heart broke, as if its not broken already. I knew they where scared. Imagine for just one second being a child and having to go and stay at a strangers house with not one thing you own except the clothes on your back and shoes on your feet. I know that I am always anxious when a child comes to our house for the first time so I know its magnifide tremendously through a childs eyes.
They warmed up to us relatively quick. We ventured out and got pizza and rented a movie from Redbox.....After eating and movie they where pretty tired and ready for bed. They are good kids, just victims of circumstance.
As I laid in my own bed I just thought and imagined their life and what little I know about them. My thoughts are as follows........
How unlucky they are to be in their situation. To have a life of such uncertainy. No home. No family. Living with strangers. Nothing but the clothes they are wearing. But also, how Lucky they are to be alive, relatively healthy, to have each other.
I thought how Lucky Jessi was....she lived a good life....a too short one...however she did more than I did at 14. I never went on vacation. If I had lost my life at 14 I surely would have not done 1/4 of the things Jessi got to experience. She was born in Southermost city in the U.S., Lived on an island, lived on a farm, drove a car @ 11, snorkeled, tubed, skied, flew on a plane, amusement parks, cruises, hiking, mountain biking, camping, canoing, horseback riding and the list goes on. She was so lucky to have been blessed to enjoy these things. But so unlucky to get cancer.
I thought also how I have been dreading October, November and December for obvious reasons.....Thanksgiving is fast approaching and this year it will be a double blow....The date of Thanksgiving is different this year but it will still always be remembered as the worst day of my life. Black Friday has a whole new meaning this year as it falls on the 25th. I laid in bed thinking these kids probably dont even really get the whole Thanksgiving thing based on their past. I worry about being the House without a Christmas Tree and they don't even have a house to put up a Christmas Tree.
Maybe the whole purpose for them winding up at our house was to show that alot of people have it really bad. Even kids. I don't believe their is anything worse than losing a child. But if your a child and you lose your family I can definetly agree that this can be the worse thing ever for a child. I guess I am just trying to make sense out of life. And I am not sure that is ultimately possible. One thing for sure at least while these kids are with us they provide a diversion and sense of feeling needed. It doesnt take the pain away but they do make the time go faster and keep you busy.
I will close with something I have to say. My grief at times is unbearable. People say I'm strong. I'm really not. I just try and get through a day. Some days are much harder than others. I have cried everyday for over a year. Sometimes I cry so hard I almost cant breathe. That uncontrollable crying that takes your breath away. I miss the hugs and the "mom...luv u" I miss alot of stuff.
It sucks to have to hug a picture of your child when you long for the real thing.