Despair

The title for today describes life at the moment...........In a writing slump......This Christmas didnt not bring tidings of Joy. Partly because Christmas day marked 1 month that Jess has been gone.   It still does not seem real to me. I'm waiting for her to walk thru the door any minute.  I tell myself this could not have happened.  Thoughts of Jessi encompass me throughout the day.  One would think spending some time in a store not necessarily shopping would help a little just to be out walking around doing something besides sitting home in my pajamas for the entire day wrapped up in Jessi' blanket.   Well that would be far from the case.  For example...trip to Target....Jessi was everywhere.......On the toothbrush isle.....in sporting goods by the school lunchboxes.......in the home goods by the Blue microfiber plush blankets......I cant go anywhere that she is not there....that may come to be good as time goes on because I never ever want to lose one thing in my mind about her but today it is very painful.  Practically unbearable.  Her dad and I woke up this morning and we asked ourselves how are we gonna do this... There are no answers.  I know that when I pass from this earth Im going to Heaven with Jessi, but right now I'm living in Hell.  The actual place of  Hell could not be much worse than what I am feeling since Jessi went on to be with Jesus.  There is no greater pain.  I have lost both my parents and both my in-laws.  The relationship with my mom was not what it should have been because of many reasons.....so.....I had an extra special relationship with my mother-in-law.  Her death was very painful to me, and still is today.  However, that doesnt compare to the feelings in every tissue of my heart for losing Jess.
I'm one of those parents who would rather be dead at the moment as that means I would be rejoicing in Heaven with jess.  The only way for that to happen is for when God says its my time or I decide its my time.  The only thing that keeps me from that is I know it would separate me from jess forever.  Though shalt no kill......that even means yourself.  The interesting thing about this I find myself realizing that God is real, Jesus lives in my Heart, for if that was not the case I wouldnt have the conviction that taking my own life is not the answer.   It's a very powerful feeling in the depths of my soul that keeps me from this very thing.   "Now Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1.  For without this Hope what would there be?

J - Joyful
E - Empowered
S - Saved
S - Special Smile
I -  Inspiring

Well, we made it past Christmas,  I have a break now from holidays until Mothers Day.  I used to always look forward to that day cause Jess would always make me something even if it was just a card sometimes.  Now I dread it.  But..........I will FOREVER be Jessi's mom........FOREVER..............