On the Tuesday after Jessi's service we still had family staying with us. Jessi's cousin Katie who is 16 and her family where staying with us for the week. We invited Jess's best friend Hannah over to spend the night with us. We where just wanting her and Katie to get to know each other better. I remember telling Hannah that Katie was the closest she would ever get to Jessi this side of Heaven. Not only did she spend Tuesday nite with us she also spent Wednesday as well. We didn't do much just watched movies and enjoyed each others company. The first night Hannah came to stay I know was very hard for her. But........she did it. It was actually hard on all of us becuase whenever you saw Jess u saw Hannah. I do think it was a step we all needed to take though together. Of course many tears where shed that night, as well as many that will continue throught out the rest of our life. Well, back to Tuesday nite.......
We had dinner and when we where finished Hannah went into Jess's room for a few minutes. She came back and asked me "Did Jessi ever tell you about the crosses in her room?" I about fell off my chair and was like what are you talking about Hannah????? Well she proceeded to take me to Jess's room and show me........
What I am about to describe to u is indescribable. You have to really see it to believe it......
In Jess's room are 2 double windows, between each of those windows is a piece of wood trim that separates the windows. The house was built in 1939. When we moved in the wood in the entire house was painted with KILZ several times and then several coast of paint after that. Her headboard and bed frame was handmade by her Dad and the wood came from Home Depot in Blairsville Ga. In the CENTER of the windows where the wood separation is and on the Headboard of Jess's bed crosses have appeared. There is no explanation. They are not painted. It seems as though they are in the wood. They all have very similar characterics. Kinda like a persons distinct handwriting. They also all have runs down the window as if "something" was dripping from them. At first they where just in Jess's room and we thought maybe she had hung something or someone else had who had owned this house before us. Which still would not explain the cross on her headboard.
The next morning we where sitting at the dining table and this is the only other area in the entire house that has a double window like the one in Jess's room. I was sitting with my back to that window. Bud was sitting to my left and his cousin Lynn was across from me. Bud got up to turn on the dining light and about that time Lynn made a comment and pointed his finger to the window behind me. I remember telling him "your not even funny". There in the CENTER wood trim of the window appeared another cross. That makes 4. And interestingly enough 4 souls where saved at Jess's service. Do I know what this means? Not really.........I'm still trying to figure it out and I'm not sure I will ever know the full meaning of them. I do believe they are God's way of communicating with us. I think the only way they could have gotten there is they where "written with the finger of God". Exodus 31:18 I have that verse highlighted in my bible from the beginning of this year. That verse had caught my attention because right in that verse describes a physical God. You could almost miss it, but I didn't.
I do believe God is with us, at times I have not felt that way, but it was probly more me than Him. He never leaves us. It has been more of me leaving Him. I have so struggled with Jess being gone and have never blamed God but have wondered why He didn't do more. Why He didn't just make her well. Let her stay with her Mom n Dad. He could have. God can do anything. But I was thinking about this the other day......The Bible says "but the very hairs on your head are all numbered" Matthew 10:30 and "For thou hast possessed my reins; thou hast covered me in my mothers womb. Psalm 139.13 So if God knows all about us because He made us I wonder that He also knows the day we are to be born and the day we are to die. So........I do believe that He hears everyones prayers, but part of me also believes that Jessi's life was already determined long before I ever gave birth to her. I have to believe this because it really is the only way I'm am going to be able to get through each day without her. If I don't believe that my days will be riddled with anger towards God and I wonder if when my time comes to join Jessi that I don't want to do anything to jeapordize not being in the same Mansion with her. I wanna be in her room and in her presence so I'm having to go back to child like Faith. Even still, make no mistake, life will be very hard, forever. I just don't want to point a finger in the wrong direction and have it come back on me later, and then trying to explain myself to God. How in the world do you do that??? Well.......... you don't. I am still working with God on some things and He knows my feelings, I long for the day that I can sing again in church, raise my hand and clap to the great music. I'm not there yet, and it is going to take awhile. I know He won't give up on me. After all patience is a virtue.
Last Tuesday when we went to deliver Jess's gifts one of the ladies from the 3rd floor came up to me and handed me something we evidently left in Jessi's room. It is a clear oval looking stone and in the CENTER is a cross. The words on it are Let Go and Let God. It struck me that I would get that cross on our very last visit to that hospital. I had said I was going back to deliver gifts For Jess because I knew she would not want them just dropped off in the lobby. I knew that this was closure for me also. So once again I do believe it is yet another sign from God. It was time to Let Go of that place and that was part of what that day was about.
I was thinking about all these crosses right after they appeared and was puzzled about everything being in the CENTER. I remembered back when Jess was starting 4th grade and new to town. I bought her a little card that says "Put GOD in the center - and everything will come together. I told her to remember that and always keep it with her. Here now what was to be 8th grade she still had it, in her room and in a picture frame. I'm trying to make sense of the whole thing and the only thing I can come up with is I believe God is with us. He has given us many signs. The hard part now is trying to make complete sense of it all, if that is possible.
I am thankful for God's sign language, that is how He has chosen to speak to us. I'm still waiting for Jess's sign language, that would be Heaven for me now or at least a glimpse of it if I could just hear from her just once and if only for 1 second. I know she is ok I would just like to hear it from her. If not for the sign language from God and all the things that He has shown us through all of this I would probably not be writing this today. Why? Because God gave us 3 things.......Faith, Hope and Love.....Love being the greatest......But as I write this I discovered one more thing....Hope is the Center.........If there was no Hope there would be no reason to go on.
My Hope is to be with Jess one day forever........and with Faith I'm gonna be there........forever.