I feel like I have been away from this blog in like forever. I find myself wanting to journal but as quick as that thought comes to me it leaves just as fast. A great memory will come to mind or a precious thought about Jessi but it just never becomes written. Somethings at times are just very painful no matter how good the memories are. I have found that to look at and remember all the the good times ( which are many) at times are just as painful or more so than the very few bad times. I think about the things Jessi will miss or the things Bud and I have tried to go and do only to think that "if Jessi was here she would love this or say that". Grief from losing a child is like no other. I have had people say how they have lost a parent and they know how hard it is or it's the same kind of grief. Guess what.......it's not. I'm speaking from experience.
Since Jessi has been gone I have had many mixed feelings on alot of things. So many that I could probably write forever. I look at life through a different eye now. Somedays I'm mad. Other days I'm sad. I admit that I have been mad at God. You see, there are people that I have met that have lost a child because of some type of accident. Many times in cases of car accidents a child has died that was riding with a friend. For those families that their child was a victim your flesh has "someone" to blame". That's just human nature and a fact as to how it works. With sickness or especially cancer there is no one to blame. The only one I have been able to look to an ask "why" has been God. Well, I haven't been the best Christian lately. I haven't really read my Bible. I have not been consistent in prayer. The only thing I have been able to talk to God about is why. My flesh expects Him to answer me. My time is not God's time.
On October 27th Jessi and I walked out of our front door together for the last time. I never thought she would not be coming back home. This was her very last chemo treatments then it would probly be on to Bone Marrow Transplant. I still remember that day at the front door. Hannah had spent the night and Bud was taking her to meet her mom for school. We all left the same time, Jess and I headed to Atlanta. Earlier in the wee hours of the morning I had a dream about another child that was very sick. In my dream she didnt make it. I saw things that I'm not gonna write about, nothing bad I just want to keep them private. After we got to the hospital Jess and I where in clinic waiting to be admitted, that child I had the dream about passed away while we were there. That nite after Jess was admitted I was awoke again at almost the same time and I saw that little girl and here is what happened....I asked her if she was ok and she said yes, I asked her if she hurt or was in pain and she said no I'm happy and she showed me that little grin and her special giggle and I sat straight up in bed. That little girl was Ava and I shared that dream with her mom. It seemed so real. I have always said I wish Jess would come to me in a dream, that I could see her and talk to her. It finally happened. And this is how it went..........I was standing in the doorway to Jessi's room that connects to her bathroom and Bud and her were jumping on the bed. It was Jessi at about 11. I yelled "Jessi"!!!! And Bud said " It's real its really her" about that time she came running over to me and we reached out to hug each other and she just dissappeared.....Then immediately Jessi was sitting on steps and it was the Jessi we all new just before she got diagnosed....I looked at her and asked "whats it like, what do you do" she new I was talking about Heaven without even saying the word. She said "Were in groups" I was so desperate in my dream to know everything.....Then Jessi looked right at me and said "Mom.......Jesus is Great" I woke up immediately after she said that crying. Those are the best words she ever said next to "Mom.....I love you" I cry everytime I try to share it with someone and even now while I'm trying to type this.
Everyday is still very painful but this dream has given me some peace. It was the exact words I needed to hear. Words to remind me that I need to keep my focus on God as hard as it is sometimes.
"Mom.......Jesus is Great"......She is right you know, He really is......